As I came home for the first time in over 6 years to handle the affairs of my great uncle/adoptive father, RIH, I was overwhelmed with emotions. As I drove passed the signs that said welcome to mound bayou, my heart began to race and my palms began to sweat and I began to FEEL the pain of my past tearing through the years of stitches I had self-constructed with distance, education and success.
That was Day 1...
Day 2 I arose and decided to sight see. As I drove slowly down the streets and saw the houses, the buildings, the roads and the people, I started to REMEMBER what it felt like to grow up without parents, yea I had family members who were older than looked after me but I didn’t have “PARENTS”. You always feel alone, on your own, you always feel like you are in survival mode.
Imagine a small puppy left alone outside to fend for himself, no one to love, protect, support, and watch him...that’s how it felt and as I drove around I felt those stitches tearing deeper and deeper and then bam my Soul begins to cry out, manifesting in tears and flooded with memories of how every place I ever called home someone abused me, someone hurt me and I never felt safe and I never had the chance to be able to experience love without conditions or to experience what it feels like To hear someone my dad say “I love you son” or to be able to have the chance to run to a mom or a dad when I was afraid of the dark, it was literally no one but ME...
And As I pull up to the business, I walk in and I see pictures of me as A kid and an adolescent and my smile is big and bright and I looked handsome. However my mind shifted to my thoughts when I was the age presented on the pictures before me and what I see now was not what I felt or even thought what others saw. And that’s a real life representation of depression operating as low self-esteem...or failure to see the esteem qualities in oneself.
I was so beaten and broken and damaged and depressed that I hated myself back then. I always felt as If I was unattractive or unworthy or I had a deficit or was less than. People used to ask and still do, why I have never been with a woman sexually and it’s not because I’m not attracted to women, because I am, it’s because I always thought that I wasn’t man enough, because of the things that I then thought, I allowed to happen to me. And in an effort to protect myself from rejection, I closed off that side of my sexuality because rejection from a woman also means rejection from being a father, and that is where fear manifests as me ignoring my urges and attraction to date and be with woman as well.
“See sometimes some pains and some traumas wound beyond the heart they wound your soul”
And your Soul is the sum of who you are, your personality, your characteristics, your connection to emotions and the divine, and your ability to experience and feel the world.
“And no matter what we do to fix them, soul wounds cannot be fixed, covered, patched or stitched, “THEY MUST BE HEALED. And they can’t be healed ALONE. This kind of healing comes through transparency and vulnerability by acknowledging and addressing the existence of the wounded soul and addressing those people, places and things that caused the infliction in a safe and therapeutic environment with a counselor or Therapist you can trust and be open with.
Prior to writing this I was in deep tears and my heart was in anguish because my soul wounds were being irritated, my scares were showing and my self-administered stitches were being removed and what I call in therapy for my clients the release began to happen and as my soul cried out uncontrollably from years of pain, abuse, loneliness, lies and rejection...I saw it, the origin of the hidden wounds of my soul, underneath the battle scares, there it was, plain as day. The moment my soul was wounded was the moment I realized I wasn’t the child that someone always wanted, I wasn’t the child who knew momma and daddy would save them, I wasn’t the child who was shielded from the things that go bump in the night....it was also in that moment that I did realize what kind of child I was and that was the kind without a mother, the kind without a father and instead of being protected from the things that went bump in the night, my innocence was sacrificed to them.
I’ll never have a first kiss, or I never had the ability to GIVE my body away for the first time to someone I love, I will never know the feeling of being a child loved unconditionally.
Soul wounds can be healed but you will never be the same, a part of you will be lost, just like parts of me were and are, BUT because of the power of creation that lies within the Soul, those things lost, make way for those things gained...yes I lost all of my childhood and some of my adolescence but because of the things I have survived, my Soul is consumed with love and light. I have been gifted with the ability to help people survive the darkness and make it through the storm.
I am a Soul Healer because my soul was once wounded, today I was reminded of the pain I had endured in order to comprehend my impact and gifting as a Therapist/Counselor.
Thanks for reading